Dear friends, I have been deeply touched by the outpouring of support for me in these my moments of need. It sounds incredible but it’s very true that carpet sellers, radio DJs, office cleaners, shoe repairers and a few ‘latrine boys’ – among several others – have decided to come together to contribute towards buying me a plush, armoured-plated luxury salon car which I so richly deserve.
When Tata Mills seized the three BMWs I had bought for myself I was really saddened. I felt broken and humiliated. To add insult to injury this man who swings his head like there is no tomorrow decided to offer me some cheap Chryslers as replacement. I have never felt so insulted. So I rejected his offers.
I had also kept some three Ford Expedition Four wheel drive vehicles and I thought Tata Mills wouldn’t dare come for them too. But the sucker did. This, in addition to his blatant refusal to allow me to use the office complex I so carefully and diligently chose for myself as well as the denial of my right to enjoy that ‘Jollof’ ex-gratia Mary cooked for me leaves me with no other choice than to feel persecuted like no ex-president has ever been.
Can’t a man retire in peace and tranquillity with the bounty he wants? Well, I blame it all on that short man, Nana Kufo. If he had opened his mouth wider and spoken to the understanding of most Ghanaians, instead of slanging like he was born in Nottingham, he wouldn’t have lost to a man like Tata Mills whom we all agree is nothing but a poodle. And to think that a poodle is hounding me and seizing everything I was looking forward to enjoy really pisses me off!
However, it is very heart warming to know that as I am persecuted, I have true and loyal friends who will stand by me, defend all my inexcusable actions and even offer to buy me a luxury car.
Much as I very well and truly appreciate the gesture, I can’t help but say that one BMW is just not enough. If you want to help, please go the full mile with me. Tata Mills seized not one but three armoured BMWs from me. If you want to shame him and let him know that he can’t do me ‘foko’, the least you can do is to get me an equal number of luxury vehicles with even superior specifications. For me, in fact, the magic number is six – check out Auntie Mary’s recommendations. I only took three armoured-plated BMWs home because I was trying to sacrifice a little for the nation, considering the world financial crisis. Plus, I also had those Ford Expeditions. But now, they are all gone and I expect my friends to meet my desires – not to tell me to reduce my expectations. So, my friends, I am very happy with your kind offer to get me one BMW but I am afraid it’s not enough. Make it three.
I am reliably informed that even the single vehicle you are offering to get for me can only be delivered in 13 weeks. That’s too long, my friends. Tata Mills has seized all my vehicles and I needed this car like yesterday. Now that you are asking me to wait for well over three months before you send me this ‘gift’, how in heaven’s name do you expect me to be moving around? Using ‘trotro’ or the mass transport buses I bought? That’s beneath me.
I think the BMW manufacturers have a premium order and delivery service, under which vehicles can be delivered in just about two weeks. You may just have to pay a little more than what you are currently struggling to raise. Try harder and make sure that the first car is flown down here before the end of April.
If you need any help, let me know. I can lend you some money to buy the car for me and you can pay back later at your own leisurely pace. After all, what are friends for? You scratch my back, I wash yours.
And by the way, whiles you consider buying me a car, please don’t forget to spare a thought for my office accommodation as well. Tata Mills is such a slow guy – even Papa Boom is not happy with him – and so I shudder to think that he will not make up his mind on this office issue anytime soon. I might have to fall on my friends to raise some money for me to rent some office space – preferably at Ridge. Just think about this. For the moment, though, hurry and get me the first car.
Your friend in need,
J. A. Fukuor
PS: I know it’s been a long time since I wrote a letter like this. I have come to a certain arrangement with my friend Ato Kwamena Dadzie and you will most certainly be reading a lot more from me on this site.
