Monsieur Wenger,

Because of you and your little boys, je suis tres embarrassed et humiliated. I have become a laughing stock among all my mon amis who ne comprend pas my continued support for Arsenal Football Club, which has not won any trophies in almost five years. 
I have supported this great club for well over dix ans and most part of it has been tres, tres enjoyable. I am not one of those fair-weather supporters who only stick with l’equipe when things are going so well and trophies are being won. Je suis tres loyale. That’s why I have stuck with this team since the last time we won a trophy – and that’s was in deux mille cinq. That’s quite a long time for a great team like ours to go sans silverware. C’est ne pas normale. Despite all the disappointment, I am staying with this team.
I have resigned myself to the unpalatable truth that my club here in Ghana, Sekondi Hassacas, will not win any trophies for a long time. As for the Ghana national football team, the Black Stars, they have been so busy basking in past glory that they don’t even realise that I’ve written them off. The only team that fills my heart with la joyeaux de football is Arsenal.
Recently, however, your team has left me humiliated, dejected, disappointed, heart-broken and sick on more than one occasion. I am therefore writing this letter to let you know that I am not very heareux with the way the squad has been playing lately. It is almost as if our players do not like winning trophies.
Don’t get me wrong, Monsieur Wenger. Our players always dish out an entertaining game and their dazzling passing game will delight even a blind man. But Monsieur Wenger, your boys seem to have grown averse to winning. They will play the best passing game and take the ball to the opponents’ 18, only to kick the ball back to the centre circle – like they don’t want to score any buts. Sometimes, they draw intricate circles around their opponents and play as if they want to dribble right into the net – a strategy even the great Brazil abandoned after they won the 1970 World Cup.
I have never been to a coaching school and I will never presume to know how to coach a football team. But if I were given an opportunity to say a few petite words to the likes of Adebayor, Walcott and Bendtner, I will tell them to learn to shoot from anywhere around the opponent’s penalty area. It just doesn’t make sense to me that our players will like to dribble every member of the opposing team before scoring. Just look at the goal our former player, Nicolas Anelka scored against us last Sunday. It was a fantastic goal, scored from far afield by a sensible player who knows when to dribble and when to shoot.
Please, we need goals to win games – and trophies. I don’t know whether this simple fact is lost on you but at your next training session tell the players to take their chances and stop dribbling and passing on end. I’d rather we play ‘buga-buga’ and score than string scintillating passes which will only lead us into defeat and despair.
One of the major criticisms against you, Monsieur Wenger, is that you’ve been recruiting too many teenagers whose bones still have a fair amount of cartilage in them. I have been hearing some rumours about why you recruit teenagers – rumours I can’t repeat here – and I hope to God they are not true. But I still wonder: why can’t we recruit strong, experienced players like Alex (of Chelsea) and Berbatov (of Manchester United)?
The likes of Nasri and Walcott have great potential. They will be great players in the future and I pray they stay with our team for the rest of their careers. But, please, you and I know that these youngsters can choose to leave anytime – especially when they have blossomed to the stage where we can call them veterans. Arsenal is not a kindergarten for other football clubs, you know. Do go out there and hire some experienced players. I have had enough of these les enfants-induced heartaches to last the rest of my vie! I miss the days of Bergkamp and Henry. Those guys knew how to play to win and we won a lot with ‘em. Don’t you think we need people like them back in the squad?  
Your penchant for les enfant players who have no desire to score goals (and win) has left me a little bit worried about you, Monsieur Wenger. It seems to me that you’ve lost the passion to win and I wonder why? The last time you said “on a gagné” was five years ago. That old brat called Ferguson is winning all the plaudits for himself and for his club and all you’ve been doing is running a professional football nursery – hiring teenagers, grooming them and passing them on to other clubs. I am sure there is a better way for you to end your career.
If you feel you’ve won enough trophies, we the supporters of the club are still very much interested in winning more. We are getting increasingly frustré and if you don’t get us back on a winning trail anytime soon, a lot of us will soon die of cardiac arrest, hypertension and humiliation. The taunts from our Chelsea and Manchester United friends could also drive a lot of us to suicide. We are giving you one last chance to prove that you still have got what it takes for us to win trophies. Otherwise, Monsieur Wenger, pack and leave quietly before we start looking for ways to get your French behind kicked out! Compris?
Gunner for life,

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