The SOGO Committee apologises for the delay in releasing the list of winners for this year’s coveted Awards for Senselessness of Ghanaian Origin.
This should have happened on 1st January but you know what happened – the race for the Flagstaff House had gone into a photo finish, tempers had flared and Ghanaians were in no mood to be told about how ‘sogomatic’ some their compatriots had been in the year gone by.
So the awards committee decided to hold on to the declaration (who says it’s only Afari-Gyan who can declare?) of winners until now. So, my friends, with a heavy heart, it’s my duty to present to you the Winners of SOGO 2008.
Loose talker of the year – Awarded to the person who has successfully failed to co-ordinate his tongue and brains, in such a manner that anything he/she says is outright dubious, needlessly controversial and/or totally senseless. The nominees are: John Agyekum Kufuor, former president of the Republic, Sheik I.C. Quaye, former Greater Accra Regional Minister, Steve Asmoah Boateng, former Information Minister, Jerry John Rawlings and Ato Kwamena Dadzie.
…And the winner is – Steve Asamoah Boateng, former Information Minister who said Ghanaians should stop complaining about hunger and start eating mango ‘bunu’ (unripe mangoes) and roasted corn.
Brofo yedur speaker of the year – Awarded to the person who delivered an unnecessarily large number of verbal scud missiles – or one very devastating ‘bomb’. This is also known as the Krobo Edusei Memorial Award. The nominees are: Sheik I.C. Quaye, Prof. (now President) John Atta Mills, Prof. Okoampe Ahuofe and Mrs. Yvonne Nduom
… And the winner is President John Atta Mills – For creating his own word: “Extragavanza!” Mrs. Nduom gets special mention for “tangibilate the intangibles”
Konongo Kaya of the year – This is a very special award to recognize the obstinacy of one individual who has decided to take up a job he knows he has neither the qualification nor the competence to accomplish and yet, he refuses to give it up. The nominees are: Ghana 2008 Secretariat (let’s face it, the tournament was poorly organized and it earned Ghana a bad reputation), Inspector General of Police, Patrick Acheampong and Stanley Adjiri Blankson, Mayor of Accra
… And the winner is IGP, Patrick Acheampong. He claims the violent criminals in places like Bawku, Gushiegu, Tamale and Yendi are too smart for him and that he and his officers just can’t “go there” to arrest them. Looking forward to the day he’d be shown the exit.
Lazy bones of the year – As the name implies, this is to recognize the country’s most underperforming individual or group of individuals. This is for those who have made the heaviest weather of what we pay them to do, thereby messing up a lot of things for us all. The nominees are: The Ghana Police and the National Commission for Civic Education.
…. And the winner is… well, we have a tie. The Police have still not found the 77 parcels of cocaine, there are a lot of criminals (drug peddlers, armed robbers, murderers, rapists etc) on the loose because of Police laziness and inaction. For the NCCE, the large number of rejected ballots is ample indication of their utter laziness. It must be said, however, that they work very hard when they need to explain why they are so lazy. Where is their boss, Larry Bimi, by the way?
Jack and Jill Story of the year – There are certain stories that made our jaws drop to the ground in utter disbelief. In other words, these are the stories that are best told to little kids in village kindergartens. So the Jack and Jill story of the year award is to recognize the tall tales that should not even be told to the toddlers at Merton Montessori. The nominees are: The ‘hitlist’ of those who have been marked for death under a Mills administration, the NDC’s ‘ways and means’ conspiracy theory and the NPP’s explanation for the high number of rejected ballots.
… And the winner is the NPP’s claim that officials of the Electoral Commission deliberately spoilt some of the votes by applying a special ink to the ballot papers. According to Kofi Konadu Apraku, the electoral officers first applied this ink, which comes in the form of a special pomade to their hair and as they were counting they would pass their hands through their follicles only to use the soiled fingers to spoil the ballots. Such hogwash from a PhD holder!
‘Patapaa’ of the year – this is to reward the person who doesn’t know that when you are beaten senseless, you can save yourself from further torrential hostilities by throwing in the towel. The nominees are Nana Akufo-Addo, Kennedy Agyapong, Steve Asamoah Boateng and I. C. Quaye (for counting and counting and recounting until he won).
… And the winner is: Nana Addo Danquah Akufo-Addo, failed presidential candidate of the New Patriotic Party for taking too long to concede and taking us so close to the brink. He should have known right after the end of the second round that he had lost but he decided to hang on to straws. If JAK had not wisely intervened, the story might have been different… This year however, I.C. Quaye, showed us that sometimes it pays to be ‘patapaa’.
Skin pain campaign of the year – This is in recognition of the most successful ‘ahooyaa’ campaign of the year…
…Here there is only one overwhelmingly outstanding nominee – the quest by most Ghanaians to prevent President Kufuor from rewarding himself with an expensive ‘bling bling’. Ghanaians from Bimbilla to Busia ranted and raved about how unwise and awkward it was for the president to reward himself. He thought we were all jealous and he went ahead to give himself the 50 Cent look.
Fad of the year – Ghanaians tend to be a very ‘copiatus’ bunch. One person does something and everybody else starts doing the same. The ‘fad of the year’ is to recognise our senseless ‘copiatus’ tendencies.
Being an election year, we saw all sorts of groups asking the presidential candidates to meet with their members to spell out their policies and programmes. This was the fad of the year. Fishmonger, teachers, doctors, cable thieves, taxi drivers, entrepreneurs, househelps, journalists and several other identifiable groups organized some of these presidential ‘encounters’ – most of which the candidates rightfully refused to attend.
Song of the year – This is the track that did not only get us grooving to its beats but also forced us to brood over some pertinent issues and take action. The nominees are: The song whose title should be change to ‘Nana, Nana Oye loser’ by Daddy Lumba and ‘Afe yi yeresesamu’.
… And the winner is: ‘Afe yi yeresesamu’. It wasn’t as good as Daddy Lumba’s composition, we don’t even know who sang it and its theme was clearly stolen from the CPP. But it carries the day because, it ended Prof Mills losing streak. It served its purpose.
Frequent flyer of the year – this award was specially created for just one man. With or without your nomination, John Agyekum Kufuor wins this award hands down – for the fourth consecutive year! No challenger.
Special ‘Chicken George’ Award – This is for the one individual who huffed and puffed but failed to act on his/her threat.
This year, the award goes to Kennedy Agyapong. He threatened to boycott the NPP campaign if Nana Addo selected Mahamoudu Bawumia as running mate. Nana did select Bawumia and a few days later, Kennedy Agyapong was on a platform singing the praises of the running mate to a teeming crowd.