Dear Pastor,
I’ve heard that different women come to you with all sorts of problems. Some of them are looking for husbands. Others want their husbands to be delivered from the bosom of other women, often nubile with double twin-peaks, the sight of which redirects the flow of blood from the brains to the groin. Yet other women – and there are a lot in this category – come to you in tears, anxious to conceive so they can bear children to satisfy (and silence) their in-laws, friends and husbands.

It’s amazing how more and more women turn up at your doors every day, seeking divine intervention even though it’s hard (almost impossible) for anyone to tell the number of women you’ve actually helped to secure husbands and those whose husbands have decided not to stray but to stay content with their wives’ “low-down popcorn”. I heard that some men even lead their wives to you.

My friend, Joe Apinto, thinks such men are fools. He and his wife, Akosua Linda, have been together for eight years but they’ve not had any children. And you know how people like to talk about these things. Some say Joe’s gun has either been “seized” or he has just been “firing blanks”. Others, however, say Akosua’s womb is surrounded by one thick concrete wall, so fortified that Joe’s forces, despite repeated incursions and heavy artillery, are unable to break through.

Well, Joe is the I-don’t-care type and so he’s not very bothered. But his wife has been a very worried woman all these years. She shudders to hear that Joe’s mum is visiting. All the woman talks about when she gets Akos’ attention is her need for grandchildren. “So, you won’t give me my grand children before I die, eh?” she keeps asking.

Akosua is even more frustrated because most of her classmates are now mothers. Even her younger siblings have had children of their own. In fact, the youngest among her siblings (who is just 25) has six children already. You know her. She’s called Opeibea and she’s a member of your church.

Her husband has got the libido of a cock (pun is very intended) and he goes around impregnating any woman he gets. Apart from the five kids Opeibea has borne him, he also has three children with different women in Teshie Nungua, Kasoa and Enyan Abaasa. Worried that her husband was straying too far, Ofeibea came to you for prayers.

Opeibea claims that when she came to you for a special session, you told her husband to wait outside as you took her inside. You told her to strip naked and sat her down on a stool. Then you brought out a sachet of ‘pure water’, tore it open and you proceeded to give her inner sanctum a thoroughly divine wash. All this while, she says, you “were speaking in wondrous tongues.” The whole session lasted a good 15 minutes and she claims that since you prayed for her, her husband has changed. She claims that after your ‘intervention’ her husband has suddenly stopped pulling out his ‘langalanga’ at the least provocation, if you know what I mean.

Delighted by the miracle you wrought in her life, Opeibea recommended you to her sister, Akosua. According to Opeibea, your “divine touch, has helped many other women in different, even more difficult situations” and she believes that if her sister comes to you, she will conceive a miracle baby after just two weeks.

Yesterday, I visited Akosua and her husband. They told me that they were considering coming to you – as their “last stop”. But they weren’t sure. Joe thinks allowing you to touch his wife in her wondrous places will border more on folly – and not faith. Akosua thinks otherwise. She insists that if allowing you to touch her is what she needs to do to get her mother-in-law off her back, she wouldn’t hesitate.

Well, after listening to both sides of the argument, I decided to offer myself as a sacrificial lamb just to test your methods and to help my friends decide whether God indeed works in mysterious ways like the one you have adopted. We want to know whether you truly have the ‘Midas touch’.

Pastor, I have problems. A lot of them. To begin with, I have recurrent constipation that turns every call of nature into a torturous endeavour that tears me apart – literally. I want you to pray and command my bowels to loosen up. Secondly, I don’t like my job. It doesn’t pay well and I think my boss is to blame. He sits on all the money and gives me what he thinks is enough for me. I need you to pray for him to stop being so ‘chisel’. Thirdly, pastor, I don’t want my wife’s World Trade Centre (or Twin Towers) to collapse – ever. So I need you to pray for them to stay upstanding for as long as she lives.

I am writing this letter to book an appointment in your chambers, where you will prayerfully give my precious hanging cannons a thorough wash – just as you did for Opeibea and all those women. If two weeks, after my session I begin to see an improvement in my situation, I will gladly ask Joe and Akos to come and see you. However, if after washing my hanging canons, I don’t get any positive results in good time, I will go down on my knees and pray that you go to hell.

I am hoping to hear from you within the shortest possible time. Please, don’t tell me that your divine washes are for women only. You know you are not the only pastor who does this sort of thing. I hear there are several others (who may be even more powerful than you are) in places like Teshie Nungua, Adenta and Dansoman. If you turn me down, I will go to one of them. You don’t want to lose out to the competition, do you?

In need of a wash,

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